Eventually

So this is the first time in awhile that I have sat down at my computer and actually typed out a rant.  “But Nate you rant all of the time!” Says one of my readers that I just made up in my head that doesn’t exist but I just created for the sake of having that quote.  Anyways, Yes I do “rant” on a regular basis.  I typically use my phone.  I started off using WordPress’s app for Iphone but it kept doing this crappy auto save thing so I stopped using it and began using the notepad app instead.  For whatever reason it felt better and it didn’t freeze up because it was auto saving to a server.  Anyways, the beauty of it all is that Toby can watch his shows and I whine and complain to you all.

So why the heck am I sitting here now? Ah bath time.  Its a great time.  Toby is getting a bath and so I had nothing else better to do but plop my butt down and type out something.  So I was thinking, like I usually do, that I needed to post something positive.  I was thinking about a few of my last post and many of them had a dark feel.  I didn’t want to give you, my readers, the impression that I was slipping into some sort of dark dangerous depression because all I rant about is negative things.  So I’ve been trying to force myself into thinking of something positive to rant about.  Ah and here in lies the issue.   I don’t have anything right now.  Anything positive that is.  Someone told me earlier today to “keep my head up”, “things will get better”.  Later in the day I had another conversation with a friend and I suddenly realized that as of tomorrow morning half the calendar year will be over.  Then I thought of how crappy the first half of this year has been.  Here is my check list in just 6 short months:

Realizing your marriage is doomed (check)

Separation with impending divorce (check)

Suddenly becoming a single father of an insane 3yr old (check)

Suddenly having to pay an gross amount of money for someone to watch that insane 3yr old (check)

A very sudden realization that your ex has moved on completely (check)

All in just a short 6 months.  Hell, people have lived life times and not experience this much change in their lives.  Ok, maybe I am being a little grandiose.  One of my students at work is going through a tough family situation.  He is coming to terms with a separation from his family.  The idea of the  popped into my head.  I counseled him that he needs to go through the 5 stages of grief but he cannot get stuck there.  He has to eventually move on and get to acceptance.  In short I was talking to myself.  Here I am grieving, if you will, a failed marriage and the end of a lifestyle.

My ex and I went through the denial phase together.  We simply did not accept that our marriage was dying and that we needed to move on.  Then the anger part.  I think we went through some of that together as well.  Bargaining.  We went through that together but separately.  We both debated ideas of how to make it work.  What we could each sacrifice to keep the marriage together.  What we could bargain. Depression and acceptance.  I think these are the phases that oscillate between.  Eventually, I’ll have more days of acceptance than depression.  Eventually, I’ll fully move on.  Eventually.

The porch wasn’t at fault

Some of you know that in the past year my dad bought me a house. I am eternally grateful for it. It’s become a perfect home for Toby. Nice and open with plenty of room for Toby to be crazy in. It has some fixing up that needs to be done, but don’t we all?

My mom recently asked me if I wanted a porch put on the front of the house and if so, did I want it to span across the entire front of the house. Now for many of you a porch doesn’t seem like a big thing but it is for me. Some of my fondest memories have taken place on a porch. I distinctly remember when it would rain I would play on the porch for hours. We had this huge porch swing that I loved sit on. It would consume entire days. I also remember just sitting on the porch waiting for my “dad” to come get me and never showing up. (If you want more details look at the “Who am I?”page)

One of the things that I talk to my students about is not letting their past stand in the way of future. Many of my students have face and experienced terrible things. Too often I think we let out past dictate the future. We let it get in the way of our happiness and the happiness of others. In short we need to leave the past in the past.

Not only do we let the past dictate too much but we blame silly things for what happened. Some how we put stock into something and think that an object or situation is to blame. We hear a song that reminds us of a heartbreak, we change the station or a certain smell sends us reeling back to a distant memory. Too often we let these things impede our happiness. It isn’t the songs fault or the smells fault for what happened. It just happened. It’s in the past. For me I can’t let the one of the most painful memories dictate my future. I know deep down, Toby will love a porch. He’ll spend hours there, just like I did on rainy days. After all the porch wasn’t at fault.

Talking to myself

So, I love eating wings. Right now the best place to get wings is a place called Our Gangs down in Sharon, Pa. If you didn’t know better and you simply just drove past Our Gangs, you would think that it was just a regular bar. Even going inside is really nothing that special. There are TVs, a bar, darts, and digital juke box. You can’t miss the typical bathrooms that are uncomfortably too small for having a stall and two urinals. Then… Oh but then you order the wings! You transport from a typical bar to a mystical place that serves some of the best tasting wings ever. It’s magical.

The best part of Our Gangs is that they don’t try and be something they’re not. It would be easy for them to go commercial and move into a nice upscale restaurant with a spacious bathroom, TVs that don’t have 4-5 second delays between them, and hire a DJ on Friday nights. But that’s not who they are. They know on the outside they look like any other bar and when you walk in it seems like any other bar, but when you sit down and eat their wings, you’re on a different planet. That’s who they are.

I had a conversation with a student the other day about answering the question “who am I?” I asked him to answer the question, he looked at me like I just asked him to chop off his arm and sell it to me. He had a basic idea but outside of age, race and why he was where he was, he had no clue. The conversation continued about how it’s important to know who you are, that way no matter what is going around you, you can remain constant. The young man is facing some major changes in his life. It’s amazing how many times talking issues out with my students, I end up talking to myself.

It’s so easy to get lost in the chaos, the peer pressure, life pressure. With the changes in my life I have found myself getting a little lost. I need to draw myself back in and realize and remember who I am. I have a pretty good grasp of who I am. I just need to remember to go back to it. I don’t need to be something I’m not. It would be easy for me to make drastic changes and make excuses for poor choices, but that’s not who I am. I’m consistent, reliable, methodical and sometimes an ass 🙂

Getting lost and being something I’m not, isn’t an option. The Beast needs me to be the best that I can be. I need to be who I am.