Stumbling forward

Sometimes I feel lost. First, I should say is I hate being lost. You know the feeling where you aren’t sure which way to turn? When you look left, right, ahead and behind but none of them seem to be right? I know there some people out there who love to be lost. Who love driving for hours with no map or GPS. Who can walk around a city and not even see the “important” sites. That’s not me. I like to know where I’m going and how long it should take to get there and what I’m going to do when we get there.

I did get lost about a month ago. Went for a drive with a friend. Just drove and drove and drove. No idea where we were going or how to get home. Only one time did I think we might be in danger but it passed. It was interesting because I still felt uneasy. I still felt lost, but I felt safe. I felt that even though I was lost, it wasn’t a big deal. It was at the very least interesting.

Recently I’ve caught myself thinking about where I am. What I’m doing and what’s going on. One of the hardest things to do in this life is gain a sense of belonging. It’s been interesting being back in my “hometown”. Seeing random people that I know, knew. I feel an awkward disconnect because I don’t know who they are and they really don’t know who I am.

One of the things I try and get my students to understand is accepting. Accepting where you are in life. It’s an odd paradox that we as humans strive so hard to find acceptance but we fight accepting people, circumstances, our own lives.

It’s been an interesting journey with all of you who have been reading. I think that you have seen me go through some critical stages and its been reflected in my writing. I think the stage I am currently in is borderline accepting and yet still feeling things out. I feel a little bit all over the place tonight. Kinda like being lost. It’s an odd and uneasy feeling but it’s not a bad or dangerous feeling. I picture myself like Toby when he first learned to walk. He knew he could but he just couldn’t get the footing down. He would bobble back and forth until got enough momentum and stumbled forward. I suppose I am stumbling along but at least I think I’m stumbling forward.

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