So there are anniversaries and then there are anniversaries. There are the big ones like wedding, birthdays, holidays, and celebrations. Then there are those anniversaries that are little ridiculous. You know the ones. The one month anniversary of us dating. The two year anniversary of your job. They have meaning but not really. Then there is a different kind of anniversary. The ones you you would rather forget. The death of a loved one. The day that a tragic accident happened. The day you decided to separate.
Today is the 6th month anniversary of when my STBX and I decided to separate. Yesterday I had a moment. Rarely am I emotional. I’ve been called brusk, robotic, flat, and very police officer like. When I do seem to get emotional I hits me like a tidal wave. Practically knocking me on my ass. Those moments more often than not suck.
About six months ago when my STBX and I decided to call it quits, you can imagine I had one of those tidal waves of emotion. In order to cope with it I wrote/typed Toby a letter. It was just as much for me as it was for him. That letter was the genesis of this blog/rant. I have almost chickened out a few times but in a moment of vulnerability, here is that letter:
Dear Toby, (1/22/13)
Today I’m pretty sad. I would hope that my first entry to you would not be a bad one but a joyful one. However, as most human beings I find myself contemplative in times of distress. Your mother and I last night decided to separate with the intent of getting divorced. I want to let you know that this separation is not because of you and that you are not the cause of it. Even the beginning of that last statement is a complex. We are separating and you have a big part in it. We are currently not happy. We love each other but we are not friends. We don’t hang out and we don’t want to do things with each other. We both understand that wanting to be with each other should be a huge part of a marriage. With that said we also understand that we could push through this and try and maintain our previous course. The consequences of that would be huge. We would be rolling the dice on developing resentment and anger toward one another. Even if one of us is unhappy, the effect that it would have on our family as a whole would be devastating, more importantly the effect it would have on you would be devastating. We both love you too much to risk putting you through that. One thing that I have learned through my job is that parents cannot hide their issues from their kids and if they try then it makes things worse for the kids. In the end if your mom and I are happy in our lives then we will be better parents to you. If we are unhappy then the chances of us passing that on to you becomes great. Again, we love you too much to do that to you. I love you son. You are an amazing person and have enormous potential.