As many of you know, I’ve been battling sore ribs for the past few days. Let me tell you that it sucks. It may seem like a small issue if you have never had such an ailment. However, imagine every time you sneeze, cough, laugh, fart too hard, or even take a deep breath in a sharp pain jettisons through your side. To compound the issue I spent the past few days, not in my comfy work chair, no stuck in a van and in court house waiting rooms for a combined 17hrs. I don’t know if you have ever had to go to court for anything and had to wait in one of their waiting rooms, but I imagine there are more comfortable chairs for prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Ok, maybe I am being a bit grandiose again. It doesn’t change the fact that these sore ribs suck. Oh and toss in a 3 yr old who has no concept of “dadda is hurt” or “don’t jump on me there” and you have a great weekend!
Anyways, my current state of affairs has got me thinking about weakness. Right now, without a shadow of a doubt my ribs are my physical weakness. One of my awesome co-workers was intentionally trying to make me laugh so that he could see me writhe in pain. A very odd paradox… making someone laugh to cause pain. Anyways, as far as weakness. I’ve been thinking of my own emotional weaknesses. I think for the longest time my inability to really connect with people was one of my greatest weakness. I did not really invest in people and when things got too serious or they got too close, I would hit the eject button. Even the people that I would consider my closest friends, are still kept at arms length. I can’t imagine how far away some of you are. My soon to be ex…aka STBX as one blogger shortens the title to use to call me a police officer Nate because I was always so direct and to the point. In so many areas in life, being direct and to the point is a good thing. I guess in relationships it isn’t so. It wasn’t necessarily a criticism of how I handled things but how non-emotionally I handled them.
What’s crazy is that ever since I really started “blogging” I’ve become very emotional. I had a talk with one of my friends about how this has become a way of at least unsealing the cap that bottles up my emotions. Generally, I am a good public speaker. It’s essentially what I do for a living. I go to court and speak publicly and on the record about how a student is doing. That however is about as unemotional as it can get, all I am doing is simply stating facts. It’s the non-public and very private speaking that I struggle with. I can write out my thoughts and feelings but ask me to tell them to you, you might as well and try pull my teeth out with a pair of pliers. There is always the “what if’s” that run through my mind. “What if …” I would have been more verbally emotional… what that have kept my marriage from falling apart? Probably not…but still a question…
The interesting thing about a weakness is that you can do one of two things. One is to protect it. That’s what I’ve been doing to my ribs all weekend long. Any time Toby comes running at me, my arm shoots out and I stiff arm him to the floor…(not too hard mind you). I avoid sleeping on my right side and try and not to move too much. Protection… guard that weakness so it won’t hurt you. The other way of dealing with a weakness is working on it. Working on that weakness until it’s no longer a weakness. Maybe one day it becomes a strength. Maybe it will be a difference maker.