I remember in college I used some of my student loan to buy a new desk top computer. Now some of you youngsters are probably wondering what that is, it came before laptops and tablets and you couldn’t carry it around. At the time it was a pretty sweet machine. It had the latest windows, almost 1G of RAM and a 20G hard-drive. By today’s standard it was a piece of crap. Back then though, it was the BMW of computers.
I remember when I got it my friends and I, Mike & Jeremy, decided to call it the Mecca. That’s how in awe of it we were. We thought “man this is it!” Don’t judge, we were in college and pretty goofy. Of course as time went on Mecca started to slow down. The boot up time took longer. Internet was slower. Pulling up word documents seemed to take forever. Mecca couldn’t keep up. I remember trying to pull up a report for class and hearing the computer work so hard to pull up that one little file. It churned and churned. It was like it was thinking so hard but couldn’t get on track. It had some how was burning a ton of power and getting no where. I’m pretty sure I could walk away, make a sandwich, pour a class of coke and then come back before my document loaded.
I don’t know about you but I have a tendency to over think things. I process and process the same data. I feel like Mecca in its twilight years. Churning and churning and not doing anything. It’s like my brain spinning and never really coming to a conclusion.
I suppose what makes it worse is my own insecurities and my anxiety. My own insecurities question everything. It churns and churns the information that I receive and it gets stuck. Sometimes I come to ridiculous conclusions. One time I pulled up a document and my computer pulled up the wrong one. No matter how many times I clicked on the correct one, it pulled up the wrong one. I had to shut the whole thing down, wait a minute, reboot and then it got if right.
I know sometimes I need to shut my brain down and reboot. I think I ranted about this before. But too many times I’m like my computer, stuck. You walk away and make a sandwich and I’m still churning. Of if you force an operation I produce the wrong thing. My own insecurities act like I don’t have enough RAM to operate the program. I lack the confidence to follow through. To just be okay with things. The anxiety is like running out of hard drive. Insufficient emotional capabilities would be my pop up warning sign. The crazy part is that I’m not like this at all at work. I’m a super computer fresh from the factory. Outside of work though, just stamp “Dell” on my forehead.
So once again, I come back the question that plagues me. Now what? Toby’s little voice echoes in my thoughts.
“Now what daddy?”
Honestly don’t know. I need more RAM and a bigger hard drive.